Thoughts and a personal questoin

5/5/2020 1 Comment

Thoughts and a personal questoin

Good morning. I had a couple thoughts I can share. 1. Is there any benefit to having the partner guess the answers to the questions? While it can help strengthen the intimacy if the answer is correct, it can also cause disappointment and resentment if the answer is incorrect, like "how did you not know that about me..." Maybe consider to weight the risks and benefits of that format and consider each partner answering for themselves, which is also intimacy building...

On a personal note, maybe you have some advice for me. My wife feels that when she tells me these things (ex: coffee in the morning) and I give her that, it is not genuine bc I'm doing it like a robot only bc she told me to do this, and not bc it comes naturally to me. And so there's no winning ....

Rabbi Nir

5/5/2020 02:24:11 pm

Thank you for the feedback. I agree with your assessment that getting an answer wrong can create hurt feelings. On the other hand, this method (taught in Knowing is Loving) creates a richer dialog rather than a monologue of one spouse offering his/her list of needs.

Regarding your personal question. You should consider yourself lucky that your wife EXPLICITLY tells you what her needs are. Many couples suffer because one or both spouses do not communicate their needs clearly and yet are hurt/frustrated that their needs are not met.
A wife who needs a hug, a husband who needs a smile - these are genuine needs. If your wife feels that you're giving her coffee as a lip service, then this is an area that both of you should mark as "Work in Progress". Change the tempo on her: hug at different times (one time in the morning, a different day in the evening). Coffee with cream. Coffee with doughnut. Initially even that may be artificial. But our Sages taught us an amazing principle: מתוך שלא לשמה יבוא לשמה. That means that if you are trying to adopt a healthy habit, repeat the activity enough times and it'll come naturally.
Hatzlacha. And feel free to reach out to me any time

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